The other day I found myself reminiscing and reading through blog posts from our infertility days and the pregnancy. It was amazing how much those words brought back--the memories, the fear, the pain, the joy, etc. But you know what? I read those old blog posts and realized just how much I was holding back, especially in regards to the posts published during our infertility treatments.
I was afraid to really, truly open up.
I didn't want you to think I had gone totally depressed or nutzo.
I wanted to sometimes put a pretty bow on things and sugarcoat them.
And so I held back. During what was, without a doubt, the most difficult, painful, devastating period of my life. And I think it's a shame that I did. Now that I've come out on the other side of that infertility battle, I see the tremendous amount of beauty that resulted in that pain.
I wish I would've been more real and open and raw. For myself, to give those on the outside a truer glimpse of what it's like to endure infertility, to give God glory to this amazing story, and to any blog lurkers out there who are dealing with infertility.
But I've always been a perfectionist and struggle with how my words and personality will come across to others.
While I was reading through old posts from the pregnancy I got pretty sad that I didn't take the time to write more. Just little tidbits--the thoughts, emotions, and ups and downs of the amazingly sweet (yet short) window of time that was the pregnancy. I know why I didn't: Life was crazy busy and I was crazy tired. But I also know that If I had put less pressure on myself to write the perfect post or share the perfect story it would've been a lot easier to write and share more about the pregnancy.
I'm learning that I want to remember it all--the good and the bad. They are all part of my story. And that the little mundane things that are happening in day to day life that may seem insignificant at the time are what I'm going to want to look back on and remember.
So I'm making a conscious effort to stop worrying about how my words are going to come across and if I have the time to put together a perfectly streamlined and polished post. And just write. And just share my heart. Writing is not one of my strengths but I want to work on it.
I want this blog to be some sort of digital scrapbook for myself and my family (Yikes, hopefully Ellie doesn't hate me for this one day). I toyed with making the blog private. But that just doesn't seem like the right thing to do. I love the little blog community I've met through this process and love that I'm able to share with you. Infertility challenged me to open up (for the better) and I want to keep being more transparent.
You may love it, you may hate it.