Changes

Truth talk is about to ensue.

Seriously?

How have we already gone from this:

To this:

To this:

What. The. Heck.

I'm a living cliche right now--I allude to this is nearly every post--but how in the world is sweet Eliana almost four (four!!!!) months already?

I'm seriously having a hard time dealing with how fast time is flying by. Like, I've actually had some breakdowns over this. Just being honest.

This has been going on since Ellie was born. I think part of this is normal for mamas. I think part of this is due to my personality. And I think part of this is thanks to infertility.

Hear me out.

I've wanted to be a mama for as long as I can remember. With that, I dreamed of experiencing pregnancy and labor and delivery (yes, really) with my husband for quite some time. When we were struggling with infertility I begged and pleaded with God that He would allow me to experience all these things, my heart's deepest desires. I'm beyond thankful for the opportunity to live out these dreams (seriously, my heart is so full) and I don't want any of this to come across as ungrateful. You can bet I'm counting my blessings (multiple times) each and every day.

But the truth is, I'm already terrified we won't be able to have another biological child. This fear has been in the back of my mind since the day I met Eliana. Not because I'm wasting my time worrying about the future, but more so because I love her more than I ever knew possible. Does that make any sense? And I'm scared I won't be able to experience the joys of pregnancy, labor (yes, really) and motherhood with another child.

And so each and every time we move onto a new stage, I in some way lament the passing of time, afraid I won't be able to experience some of these blessings and joys ever again.

Shortly after Ellie was born I had a hard time saying goodbye to the amazing chapter in my life that was pregnancy. Shortly after Ellie outgrew the newborn stage I had a hard time grasping that she was no longer an itty bitty baby who wanted to snuggle all day. I mean, that first three months of her life just feels like one distant, crazy, happy blur to me. I continue to be amazed by how fast she is growing, changing, and becoming more independent.

And then I start to second guess myself. Enter guilt and potential feelings of regret. Did I really focus enough time enjoying each of these past stages? Did I slow down enough when Ellie was a newborn and stop everything just to hold and snuggle her? I'm pretty sure I did, but like I said, that period already feels like a blur to me thanks to sleep deprivation and all the massive life changes hitting all at once.

(One of) The problems with this? If I waste too much time or energy grieving how fast time is moving, I miss out on all of the good stuff happening RIGHT NOW. It's a vicious cycle you see. I'm hyper aware of this and actively fighting these tendencies.

And so I'm constantly taking a deep breath and reminding myself: BE PRESENT. BE PRESENT.

My new mantra: Don't cry because it's over, but smile because it happened. {Thank you, Dr. Seuss.}

No matter what season of life you're in, you can bet there will be both struggle and beauty. Count it all joy.

And so while I miss my big pregnant belly (yes, really) and I miss spending hours on end doing nothing but holding and rocking that tiny newborn, I will rejoice in the fact that I was able to experience those things and focus on what is both hard and wonderful about life right now. Because there are so many precious, amazing things happening. Right now. Ellie will only be at this  next stage for a small window of time. I feel like I'm going to blink and she will be all grown up. I want to soak it all in.


Dear Lord:

Thank you for letting me experience pregnancy with my husband. I will never forget that amazingly sweet and precious window of time. My heart is filled with so much joy each and every time I think about it.

Thank you for gifting me with the moment I met Eliana. That beautiful moment she took her first breath  and was placed on my chest was far too joyous to even try to explain with words. 

Thank you for letting me spend time snuggling and cuddling with that precious babe when she was a tiny newborn.

Thank you for this beautiful, healthy, growing, rapidly changing little lady. I am so excited to watch her change and grow.


Thank you for giving me a glimpse into how much you love us.